Update- WARNING- This is not written by someone who feels fabulous.

For the first time in 2 weeks i have enough energy to type,
which is actually quite an accomplishment for me, as is have done nothing but sleeping, dreaming and being dragged to and from doctors.
I have become a walking pharmacy, taking.... everything.
I thought that i would be kind of depressed seeing that i need to take all of these drugs (perscription drugs)
in order to keep my eyes open,
but i actually feel releived.
If a drug will make me feel decent, i will take it.

The tumor in my head has grown, and it is inoperable, because it is on my brain stem.
I would like to thank friends for their concern, but i am only going to talk when i feel like it.
That is greedy, but i really dont care.

I have gone from the feeling of honestly wanting to die, to wanting to be a coma to whatever im feeling now. .. typing at least.

I am hopeful that i will continue to feel better,
but right now the only thing that is set is stone is that i am going to hawaii on friday,
now matter how i am feeling.
I am living every moment as thought it is my last,

Which, though i've always said that was one of my mottos,
this is the first time i am saying it honestly.
I do want to make a difference before i go,
I am healing, and im not predicting my doomsday,
that will remain a mystery,
and i will not end my own life, no matter how dismal it gets.

Things that seem useful to me, are maybe becoming a scientific study to better life conditions of others with tumors, or, if i acheive a recovery that lets me out of bed, i would really like to find fufillment, by helping others find fufillment.

I realize i have been much more inspiring in the past,
But this is how i feel right now.
On the bright side, i am feeling better i have in a while, and better is always good.

The future is undecided, and it could include chemo or radiation, but hopefully, eventual recovery, a return to school, grad, university, mystery, and lots of travel.

And a purpose... would be great.